February 23, 2007
~ Randomly...
I found a perfect therapeutic position for the crying me. It's in front of my full length mirror, I sit down, foetal-like, hugging my knees to my chest, resting my chin on my knees. And I stare at myself. Suddenly, I don't feel alone anymore. It's me in my crying company.
I feel more calm after awhile. Not anymore in love with life. But, just more calm.
xxx
Got so hungry, I was starved. Got so starved, I felt like crying. My gastric was hurting and I felt like crying. And I did, after I appeased my gastric.
Starvation leads to depression.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 21:46
February 22, 2007
~ Randomly...
The two funniest things that happened since CNY.
1. Msning meisen, thinking she was Kyn. I would have gone on and on if she didn't go, 'Wrong person lah'. How blur...
2. Bblics asking me about 'Genuine' anti-virus, thinking it was a brand I mentioned to her. Actual fact, what I meant was a genuine copy of an anti-virus, as opposed to a pirated copy. Of course nobody heard about 'Genuine', and I don't think it's under McAfee. hee.. How blur...
xxx
Sobering cold winds on the CTE. A discovery of a very, very nice residence amidst a dead town, which I could very much want to imagine calling my own. A good stroll around Robertson Walk. A miserable cup of Tiger Draft from a miserably un-glam plastic cup (I'd rather pay, really...). Bodies in motion but not exactly dancing. A celebrated old lady now only existing on the shared earnings of her younger sister. What kind of a name is 'Momo', anyway? A surprise turn of plans to make noise instead of drowning in noise. Two Bourbon Coke, two mic, one plasma screen, many reflective songs.
Smoke did get into our eyes. Just that we didn't fit in enough to allow for a real haze.
Am I getting too old for clubbing? Places that sell wine too, instead of just housepours and draft beer (and the only option is Tiger...). I think that will be a good indication of how we might fit into the crowd. I would still have my beer. Or my liquor. Not housepours. Not Tiger, and especially not in shabby looking plastic cups.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:33
February 20, 2007
~ Randomly...
Kynthia msged me before she flew back HK today, to tell me to wish Kay a Happy CNY.
I asked if she's mad.
And she thought what I meant was if she was angry at me for ignoring her (after she ignored us first).
Missing the point, again, as always. Deja vu.
xxx
"You can't change the past, but the future is a different story."
I don't know mann... As far as I'm concerned, I can only plan for a future that is limited to the next weekend.
"What is this? This is not real."
Fuck. Not again. Spare me from the real and not real thingy...
xxx
I want that sense of contentment in being able to believe in someone. To believe in someone. That he or she will be there, that he or she also believes in me, that I will be there. To believe that so long as our hands are held tight together, we will walk through the steep mountains, the gentle hills and the frequent plateaus.
And if he or she has no better excuse for a break up with me, then, just tell me the truth - I don't love you anymore. 'Anymore' means now and in future, no more. But, I did love you in the past. Good enough. Good enough.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:09
February 19, 2007
Dreams - My other reality
I dreamt that I was getting married. And I stayed beside Zie. And the whole wedding seemed to have a kind of Malay feel to it.
In the beginning, I knew I was getting married and I even went to pick out my gown. I was getting ready and I knew I was marrying a girl.
Then, as it progressed, I started not knowing who I was going to marry. Damn. And it became a waiting game. I was just waiting to find out who I was going to marry. Waiting in my wedding gown. Then, I started thinking if I was actually marrying a man, not a woman. Then, it got to a point, it didn't matter. I was just waiting for nothing or no one.
And the guests were all getting excited except for me. But I knew no one among them. Except Zie, who lived next door.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:34
February 18, 2007
~ Randomly...
It's this song. One song. Twice today. Different channels. Brought me back to the jumping about and the KTV sessions.
恋爱ing
改变ing
分手ing
伤心ing
失望ing
生活ing
活着ing
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 19:14
February 17, 2007
~ Randomly...
Many times, when I'm at work, I mean, when I'm in a transition, like walking to my office or walking to the MRT or trying to get lunch among the crowd, I feel foreign. Foreign to the past 3 years in my life. The 24 to 26 of age.
Initially, because of Kay telling me it felt unrealistic, it's like the last 2 years never happened. I retained that sentence in my mind rather vividly. Perhaps cos, like people with ASD, the visual always has more impact than the verbal. It's as if that period was just a figment of my imagination. Because the person I shared a large part of that period with had the heart to tell me it felt unrealistic to her. Just when I was beginning to think so many things in life are so not real. Everything began to prove her point.
Then, because if the two years with her felt foreign, the things and the people that were also part of those two years must be, in relation, somewhat foreign too. It's only when I think of CJ and Zie then I can tell myself I really was a part of the school then. I really made friends then. And I really helped, no matter how little, to make a difference to all the students whose lives I shared, whose tantrums I handled, whose laughter I helped instill.
And yet, yet, the most significant part, most significant person of this period of time felt like a dream.
When long ago, someone told me I was a mistake, at least, he acknowledged that we had something going on but it was just a mistake. Sometimes, I do think that that is way better, less cruel than telling me what I thought I had going on in my life has turned out to be as real as a dream.
But, the pace at work is starting to quicken. I have my own project now. So, time flies. And that's better, I agreed with Apple. And that makes me treasure time more, I agreed with Wenn.
So, in this passing of time, I just, still have fleeting moments when I wonder what actually happened in the last 2 years. But, only fleeting moments.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:19
~ Randomly...
Jogging 9.5km/h. Pretty damn good eh?
xxx
Received a greeting card from Junhao. A pleasant surprise.
On a MRT ride to work last week, one of my thoughts passed by how he was doing and whether he would be going back to his hometown for the CNY.
Kinda missed him when I saw his handwriting on the envelope. He has pretty nice handwriting for a guy. Oh, and very slender fingers. Almost charming in an artistic way.
xxx
Finished reading The Quiet Room. I need new books. I will get new books. From Meisen's personal library next week. =)
xxx
The movies I want to catch this coming week. Since work is off for one whole week. Yay!
Half Nelson
Love for Share (cos it's an Indo lang film recommended by my B.Indo teacher)
And I wanna resume my Dvds!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:51
~ (Not so) Randomly...
the smses that led to her status in the walk of the ostracised now.
me: Kyn, are you still alive? Or are you just ignoring us?
her: haha i'm alive but i've been retreating in l**n's plc for 2 whole days! Just came back
me: Oh, that's just another way of saying you were indeed ignoring us. Kyn, even when Kay stayed over at my pl, i took time to reply my sms from you girls. I hope the fucking from the retreat was all worth our ignoring you from now on. And you can be assured i'd blog abt tis.
her: then u really shld hear me out.. i din bring my phone cos i can't tell my mum i'm staying over at my gf plc rite... i just tell her i forgot my phone so i was uncontactable.. a lot of things i can't be s out s u can.. so i'm not ignoring. i just wanna hve a quiet moment with her.
i'm sorry for not bringing my phone along.. & for having a gf which i dun even get 2 see everyday.. I'll meet you gals i just need 2 plan 1st then seek ur avail...
First, she didn't have to tell her mum she was staying over at her gf's place. She could use any of us as an excuse. There is nothing wrong in staying over at a friend's house when you are already 28 of age, right? I know my mother will definitely prefer that I told her I was not coming home to sleep and going to a friend's place than to have to hear ridiculous lies of me forgetting my handphone for 2 days!
Secondly, why compare her r.ship with the one I had with Kay. I told her, many times before, there was no comparison at all.
Thirdly, why be sorry to have a gf that she doesn't see everyday? My gripe was in her not returning, not just my, but all our smses. Not the fact that she went on a retreat with l**n. In fact, I smsed her to enjoy herself on V-day with l**n.
Missing the point, again, as always...
Enjoy the cold air in the Walk of The Ostracised!
*Who's the queen now?*
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:21
February 13, 2007
~ Randomly...
I like this that came out of my after-seven mind, in response to Snowlette's sms - "Cry me a river of regrets and set me on sail".
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:22
February 12, 2007
~ Randomly...
Because the bed is where the enchantment of the other reality begins. Because my own bed will be my best resting place.
I'm sleeping on new mattress today! New bedsheets too.
Take me gently, into your realm, Mr Sandman. Take me well.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:34
February 11, 2007
Attn: Kyn Cc: Who's reading
The lion fell in love with the lamb?
Maybe the lion is a lamb in disguise. He just grew up learning that he ought to be a lion.
And the lamb? The lamb wants to be a lion.
So, when the lion fell in love with the lamb, the lamb will eventually, not feel contented being loved by a lion who's actually like a lamb.
So, there won't be anymore story to tell because the lamb left in search for greener pastures, literally and figuratively.
And the lion just roamed around, mostly alone, broken-hearted. And he would never quite decide if it's better to be a lion or a lamb.
The End.
hey! You copied my idea of naming your friend's links! But, it's ok. We will thrash it out IF we meet in a week's time.
IF we meet. Because it's ok if we don't. And I'm speaking for 3. haha...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:52
~ Randomly...
I spent a weekend, not thinking about how to pass time. A few friends exclaimed that it's too early for me to start bringing work home to do during the weekend. I've, after all, barely started work.
All the same, I finished 2 reports. Met my own target. Just don't know if it will be good enough to present. The deadline is Tues. So, I guess, I won't have to worry about passing time at all till then. And, I've got a feeling that I will have much less to worry about in that aspect of my life from the near future onwards. Well, what a change from the last few months, I guess.
Like I told Bblics, maybe secretly, I'm glad I have work to do during the weekend at home. So that my thoughts get rooted to the many, many excel worksheets and even more powerpoint slides on Saintnity. And not drifting off to a distant past.
xxx
Shaohao and I went to timbre yesterday. The place changed a little. We had the thin crust pizza, a waldorf salad and had a round with Mr Kil, on one-for-one. The band that was performing last night was EIC.
I like. The vocalist looks super cute. Especially when he smiled. So boyish. Haha. However, my handsome company remarked that my standard's lower than his (?!?!).
I liked it there. But, I still prefer Nuris and (for Wenn) Darren. And I still very, very much prefer when it was a come-in-your-shorts-and-tee-and-put-up-your-legs-and-chill place. The crowd's a little too dressy now. The ambience is better, I guess. But, I still prefer dragging rusty plastic chairs than polished wooden ones. And they didn't used to have a queue. Yesterday, the queue was long when we left.
Anyway, after realising that we both, i.e. Shaohao and me, have the same thoughts about our life phase now - living is merely a rather meaningless passing of time - we are supposed to go take up salsa dancing together. So that it's something we can fill up our time with and a new hobby. Haha... It would be so fun eh! Mr Chua, pls send me the email soon.
xxx
Amidst excel sheets and powerpoint slides, I went to ECP with my family today. With the two suaku dogs of our home, of course.
There's New Zealand Natural at ECP now. I haven't been there for so long... I had a regular Paradise Pash. An elevation of taste from Slurpee to Paradise Pash.
xxx
I had this passing thought this evening...
"My pair of slippers lasted longer than love."
Then, "Crap! Love is crap."
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:25
February 08, 2007
~ Randomly...
Today, Kat skipped-walked at the corridor along my section. I happened to look up from my excel sheets infested computer at that moment. For a moment there, I thought I saw Kay.
I thought I saw Kay skip-walking along the aisle of the staff room in PL. She used to do that a lot. Whenever she felt restless or had something exciting or happy to share with me.
For that moment, I saw Kay. Or, is it Ah Girl?
xxx
Indignation. Resentment. Disappointment. Denial. Repression.
I smsed Joyce that I wonder if what she felt then is what I'm feeling now. Perhaps, I can now understand that it's so not funny when you feel like puking when you saw your xbf.
How much disappointment and disillusions... all turning into some sort of disgust.
xxx
Empathy for myself. I'm thinking, there will come a time when I understand how important that is.
But now, all my capacity of empathy empties into tears when I read the book I'm reading now. The Quiet Room. About a schizophrenic girl's journey through her condition and how she manages it. Enough to write a book about it.
I just have this wave of extreme sadness as I read it on the way home. In crammed train carriages. This need to cry and feel sorry. Sometimes, I don't know who, or what, I'm feeling sorry for when I cry.
xxx
An email from Anna just made my day. =)
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 21:56
February 06, 2007
~ Randomly...
It's totally fair. The only person whose silence to my questions and whose lack of response to my questions, whinings, complaints and whose delayed acknowledgement to my feelings, I can accept and perhaps, ignore, is my bblics Wenn darling. And probably, Apple. But Apple is basically more responsive and reactive than Wenn. Haha.
I don't know and I don't bother to take stock of how many aspects we have taken each other for granted in. haha. We just have become this kind of friends to each other.
Silence is an acquired position, but not for everyone.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:10
February 05, 2007
~ Randomly...
On the mrt ride to my BI class just now, I saw someone whom I thought looked a little like DP. DP from PL. All these acronyms because DP is in politics. As if that matters... hmm.
Anyway! This sad wave of nostalgia just swept past me. Of all people to miss, I started to miss DP. Haha. Honest. I missed the way she addressed us the very first time we gathered at the multi-media room for our welcome. I missed how she kept emphasizing 'in this school, there is no management; we work as a team." I missed the way she would smile at us in the beginning, a smile of encouragement.
She's an admirable woman. I still admire her for her foresight and her passion and how driven she is. Even if she did neglect the details for the big picture. But, who can be perfect? How many of us never even had a big picture and struggle with the details all our lives?
Coincidentally, I bumped into Mr Gan at Bishan CC just now. We had a short chat. I seem to bump into him quite easily. The last time, on the MRT. It felt very familiar chatting with him, about gym, about the kids in PL, about some of the pioneer teachers in PL, about my short but impacting stint in PL.
Sometimes, I still miss PL and the people in PL, the time I had in PL and the time we shared in PL till I had to shut my eyes tight, blast my mp3 player a little more and try not to cry in public. Sometimes, it takes a bit more to disengage from the past and engage in the present.
xxx
'Sharon is so sweet.' The exact words I smsed Hadrian just now.
She so excitedly passed me a book, the book that she's reading now, and folded a page and wanted me to read that page. She wanted me to read that page. Only when I left her shop and got back in my office. Then, sent me off to get my lunch, with two small map of 'food bible' that she drew for me.
The page she wanted me to read was on feelings. On loss and grief. On changes and how we shy away from the tides of change because there had been too much of change in our lives. On how sometimes, pain feels permanent and it feels like we would never recover and never stop feeling the hurt. On how we have got to feel what we feel, not deny nor minimise them. Only then, can we let go. And a new beginning awaits.
I really appreciate it. It put a genuine smile on my face as I read through the page, a few times during lunch.
It's when a friend does the simplest of act and the most thoughtful of gesture that I get reminded of how blessed I am.
Like, when I received the letter from Meisen last Wednesday. It made my day, really.
Thank you, you all.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:47
Dreams - My other reality
I woke up to go to work. I went to the kitchen. There were cockroaches. They ran across the kitchen floor. I stopped short. There were then, rats. They, too ran across the kitchen floor. I headed to the living room.
In the living room, there was nothing but toads! All kinds of sizes and plenty, plenty of them. They were all motionless, but alive. I was shocked. I had to go tell my mum. I went to my mum's room.
On the walls of my mum's room, there were some creepy insects. I couldn't even put a name to what they were. And there were slugs. The slugs were on the wall. I told my sister to call someone or somewhere to find out what's happening. I think she called the town council.
Just then, a neighbour walked past the corridor outside our house. I stopped him and asked if what was happening in my house was happening in his too. He answered that all the flats in the block are having the same problem. He even tried to explain to me that all these creepy crawlies got dropped in our houses because of a typhoon. A typhoon which swept all these insects and worms into the air and then, dropped them into the houses when the wind subsided.
I was puzzled and speechless.
Then, I felt something crawl on my thigh. I jumped up. And I woke up. Literally, with a jump. That same jump from my dream that transcended into this reality.
xxx
~ Randomly...
I woke up, I meant, jumped up from my dream. And sat on my bed thinking what a creepy dream. Not as scary as a nightmare would be. But, creepy all right.
I listened to the song playing on class95, wondering if I would get back to sleep again. I was still in a semi-shocked mood.
Then, I heard the song. "I'd stand by you"
The whole of last weekend, which was softrock weekend on class95, I didn't hear that song being played. The irony was, I woke up from a creepy dream and heard the song in the middle of the night.
"Nothing you confess, could make me love you less...
I'd stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you...
I'd stand by you."
To nobody would this song belong now.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:33